I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
