I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
