he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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