dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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