Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
