I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
