Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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