The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
