I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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