I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize