I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
