the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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