Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
