I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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