I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
