just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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