cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
