Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
