i think my tv is drunk
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
