I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
