At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
