I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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