go do what you do best...puke behind churches
too bad you live with your parents still
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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