My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize