Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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