Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
