my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
