one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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