I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
