I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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