my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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