Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
