I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
MIDGETS
????
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize