I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
