Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
People in love make me want to vomit
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
