i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
