i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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