There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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