I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
