i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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