Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm at about main and main street
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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