I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
