one might say we're banned from that church
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
