Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
