By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
