You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
