i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
