Fuck appropriateness.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
