Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i think i just lost a toe
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
