Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize