I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
