well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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