I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
