Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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