So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
