Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
